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Big and serious by Aimee Friedland


It's funny that at the end of last night I ended up alone, anyway. In this big, cold room. No boy, no girl. I was too bad for him. And too "good" for her.

After she and I parted ways at the Chernishevskaya metro station (tearily, I admit it), I came home to the abandoned apartment Cyril and I have been sharing for the past odd months. Then I washed my face with the Neutrogena scrub I bought in Finland - which is odd - I haven't actually touched water to my face in over a month - I generally avoid using the plumbing here, as the contents of our pipes are frigid and rusty and reek of fish. But yesterday I did - maybe as some sort of paradoxical act of cleansing. Yesterday I washed my face and now I lay in this ice-cold, unwelcoming bed devoid of sheets.

I could easily think to myself, What went wrong? All day I received rude and hurtful text messages from my boyfriend until I was so disgusted I turned off my cellphone. I realized he had gone crazy. And across from me sat a beautiful, free-spirited girl that I will never see again. I drank so much beer yesterday, and yet returned home sober as I've ever been. And I thought that I would just burst out crying because everything had gone to ruins, but I didn't. Instead I realized that being alone was, in some twisted way, as right as my situation could get at the moment.

Eight-month relationship with Cyril? Done, I say. The boy needs help, and I can't give it to him right now in the form of a monogamous relationship.
One-night stand with lovely Girl-X? No, she became uncomfortable with the situation and left. We talked about sex all day, and in doing this she realized that I was too pure to spoil. And besides, I think the poor girl was scared out of her mind by the thought of coming to our apartment.

All of this was a plan to return me to my solitude. Today I feel sick and unbeautiful and unloved, but tomorrow, I will leave this mess behind. Tomorrow I will continue down my path, alone. Soon everything will be brilliant again - you just wait and see. Tomorrow I will rise from the crumpled blankets of this forlorn bed and step into the fresh, new world. I will be my own person again - stronger than I've ever been before.

(c) Aimee friedland